Money 

  • Manic episodes and money are a bad mix . The feeling of being on top of the world , hyper happy and not caring about any consequences will and have led to money problems . You many think over spending is easy solved by stopping and not spending but for a manic person this option is not so simple . You can fight the urge to not spend but that bipolar beast within will grind you down until you give in . No matter how many times you tell yourself I’m all ready in debt I don’t need that gorgeous pair of shoes, you bipolar beast will convince you that you need those shoes . Yes a lot of people who don’t have bipolar get into debt but there a difference between  consciously spending that money and feeling guilty ,to not realising what your doing and only feeling guilty a month or two down the line when the damage is done . Without me physically handing my bank cards to my partner , not having credit cards and allowing my self cash pocket money, only then can I reduce the impact to my bank balance. Usually it’s too late and I get into debt before I realise I need to take action. Welcome to the world of a hyper mania bipolar person . 

Socialising 

Bipolar takes it toll on socialising I fit into three categories:

1: stable neither high nor low and socialising normally .

2. Low without constant nagging from myself I will not socialise, will hardly talk to my friends and become a hermit crab.

Or

3. When high I want to be Miss popular ,will go out every night if I can ,wanna talk to strangers and party party party.

 Of course there nothing wrong with socialising but there is a difference between going out a couple times a week to wanting to go out every night ,exhausting myself and worsening my condition. 

The fine balance is hard to get but with the help of recognising triggers balance may be possible. 

Alone part 2

The struggles against ones beast is an ongoing battle it seems . When I’m high and loving life all I wanna do is party and my beast wants me to be wild . Yet once I have dolled myself up all glamorous and hit that dance floor I just wanna be home . This is partly due to all the ideas racing through my mind coupled with paranoia and not feeling like myself but mainly because I do not feel in control . The comforts of my home calls out to me yet I am torn. My beast wants to play and dance the night away but peace and quiet tames the beast enabling full control . This conflict causes me lack of sleep and the feeling of being alone with these confusing thoughts . 

Suppressing 

The mind is a wonderful thing

Full of ideas that are trying to sing

Try as they may to not misbehave

Those pesky ideas are already paved

Denial is sweet but doesn’t last long

For the cracks in reality are singing their song 

When embarrassment kicks in and the truth seeps out . 

Suppression is my friend 

Sunday poem 

On this sunny toasty day 

I lay here reminiscing away

Thoughts of yesterday have their say

Yet as I lay I cannot rest 

For my beast awakens and is a pest

Restless in it’s torment as my guest

So on this sunny toasty day 

I will not rest my weary head 

come what may I do protest 

Art therapy

Talking about yourself can be stressful in itself but I find art therapy helps bridge that gap of communication. Instead of siting there twiddling ur thumbs, drawings, drama or music can relax you and puts you in the right frame of mind. By doing a drawing or moulding clay your mind wonders to those deep parts of your sub conscious to get to the root of the problem.

Stress 

It seems the tigger for my condition is stress which in itself is unavoidable. Of course I can not control what stresses effect me because I can not tell the future. That said how do you prevent a bipolar explosion or as I put it a wild beast roaming free causing undesirable havoc? First you need to recognise any symptoms which may occur and cause you condition to flare up i.e: rapid speach , over spending , hearing voices, lack of concentration which may lead to losing touch with reality. Second you need to put in place calming methods which soothes the beast i.e.: taking a bath , talking to a therapist, recording your feelings in a diary , anything artistic like music or art and anything smooth the mind like yoga or meditation. Along with not doing too much , eating healthy and exercise I may yet prevent the beast from breaking free , prevention is key but a chemical imbalance may not stop the beast from breaking free . 

Episodes of mania

I have Hyper mania which means I get more highs than lows in a cycle. You could say I’m lucky because what is wrong with feeling really happy? Nothing apart from the other symptoms which follow in horde of life sucking demons . These consist of paranoia, hearing voices, rapid speech ( talking fast because your brain is crammed with so many ideas you feel the need to tell everyone), lack of sleep, over spending ( getting into debt) and persistence ( refers to theses symptoms slowly grinding you down over weeks even months until you give in ). The last stage of Mania is a ugly creature called losing touch with reality one I fear because it means ones not in control.

Alone

For those of you suffering from mental health or even a break down the feeling of alone can be present . Even with the support from friends , family , carer , doctor, therapist and work advisor. This alone feeling can strike a cord in anyone. At presence my alone gremlin is begging for acceptance and understanding. I am lucky to be able to work when I know others with mental health cannot . For me work feels that void of wanting to be normal . This normal thing is one I struggle to accept . When I say normal I mean not having bipolar yes I have learnt to live with it but it doesn’t mean I don’t want be normal . By this I mean not hearing voices or losing touch with reality . So at present I am at work trying to act normal but deep down my inner demons are screaming at me to be set free . Free to cause chaos , free to embarrass me and free to make a scene . So when I say I feel alone in a room filled with friends and love ones what I really mean is I feel alone with my condition .