It’s been one of those days when it starts out ok but ends with me crying coz I got a wedge of paper stuck in the printer. I just seem to wind myself up and instead of going on date night I ended up crying and cursing at my printer. Needless to say I did fix it with the help of google search . Now I’m too exhausted to know what to write about today.
I’m so tired and achy from work , cleaning is hard work but it will get easier . My stress levels don’t seem so bad today and I haven’t had any paranoia thoughts either. I find unwanted thoughts like paranoia are a trigger for my condition. Thoughts that I am being followed, people are talking about me or people are looking out for me. When these thoughts happen it’s exhausting telling myself it’s not real and to act normal . These sorts of things I don’t discuss with close ones it’s shameful and embarrassing. I still feel like a failure and my condition is part of that failure as a human being . I find I act like I’m ok when my mind is eating away at me and if I tell anyone it makes the situation real. I know my bipolar effects every aspect of my life and I need to adapt to suit it yet it doesn’t make it any easier asking for that help.
So on a lighter note trying a new anxiety method were I write what I will be doing tomorrow.
Walk the dog with my friend
Maybe mop and hoover
Uni work : start my assignment
Let’s see if this works . 🙂
Today work went ok I’m still anxious and I’m finding I’m going through a cleaning check list in my head to calm myself down. This job seems to be more independent which is scary but I am self motivated. I have found through various jobs that I need a job that suits my condition. Bipolar is manageable if you work with it. My last job did not suit my condition and even through adaptions it was still too stressful for me . The problem with sales is there no steady flow so when sale time came around it was highly stressful and I couldn’t cope . I found knowing my limits is good . It’s more demoralising sticking to a job that was highly stressful so I had to take time off making me feel like I had failed . By working with my condition I can find a happy medium. So far I have discovered I need a routine, part time work, and I know what sort of work suits me, either self employed or independent job within a company. My new job has routine , I work by myself and it’s only 4hr shifts. Even though I love variation cleaning offers a better freedom for my condition. The more I learn about how my condition effects me the more I will learn to work with it.
I know I’m having a good day when my creative writing is a breeze . I have posted a poem I created on cheese . The task was to express my love for a food item . It kinda sounds dirty which does make me wonder if I could write in that genre . Had a day of rest my stomach is playing up again today but it’s manageable. I’m really anxious about tomorrow it’s my first proper shift and I’m worried I will get things wrong . Maybe I should give myself a pep talk to tomorrow I dunno . Gunna leave myself an hour to get there because I would rather be early. Well gunna sign off and rest.
My love for cheese is cheesy.
You’re aroma lingers in the air.
I salivate, longing for your love.
I hold you’re gooey goodness.
My love knows no bounds for you’re bounty.
I taste you’re titillating treasure.
It’s delights awakening my desires,
As you slide down my sweet throat,
I feel you inside me, we are as one,
Today was the first good day this week. Less pain did help plus I managed to get a lot of uni work done. I’m trying to step away from my work and start seeing the fun in it otherwise stress takes over creating chaos with everything it touches this brings on the anxiety demon who telling me my work pathetic. I’m trying to learn to love myself and give myself credit for what I’ve achieved so far but it’s hard. I’m going to try and reach a larger audience with my blogging because I feel I can help people with bipolar and through my experiences be insightful.
It’s amazing what a good night sleep can do . Woke up in a good mood and my body on the mend thanks to stronger meds.
Today was my last day of training so next week the real thing. A bit scared and nervous but that’s natural. Been practicing cleaning at home which has its advantages.
Gave myself a day off uni studies which really helped. I sometimes forget you need a rest plus it will make more refreshed and more productive.
I need to remember to go to the bipolar support group this month .
I forget how fragile my body can be especially if I’m stressed. Starting a new job exciting but stressful, uni work rewarding but stressful and I think it’s a combination of these that’s shut down my body. So my week started with a cold, cracked lips and constipation. With all the walking I’ve been doing to work I now have a blister on my ankle. To top this off I went to A&E last night because of my stomach pains to be told I have acid reflux that may be caused by my bipolar medicine. Well at least I can start treatment including reducing the acid in my stomach, sleeping at a slate to stop the acid traveling the other way and avoiding certain foods like acidic fruits and fatty foods . Alcohol is also a big no no . The way I look at it these things are here to test us otherwise life would be boring .
Today has been a struggle was up most of the night with pains in my stomach. When I say pain I mean the sensation of acid burning my insides even with paracetamols it only fades a bit. I’m constipated it seems but never thought it could be this painful , I struggled through work and now sit here staring at me uni work because the pain making it hard to concentrate.
As always I blame myself I’ve allowed myself to get stressed out didn’t notice the signs and now my body saying enough is enough.