Day 52: 21/2/19

I managed to get a lot more uni work done today. Been missing my partner more so than before. I really just want to cuddle up to him in bed. I’m trying to just count the weekends before we see each other which means after this weekend it’s only five weekends. Plus it sounds better than 54 days to go. My mood has been okay a bit low but again manageable. Going to try and have a relaxing evening before I go to bed because recently I’ve been having lots of dreams and nightmares so I am waking up constantly.

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Day 51: 20/2/19

Had a nice day off and managed to get a lot of uni work done. I sent off my essay plan to my tutor to get some advice.

Been looking at wedding Venues but still stressing because they either really expensive or they don’t give prices. I really do want a beach wedding but not too cheap. I want it to be like a holiday and something people will remember and want to come to, but I don’t want to spend more than £5000. It all seems to add up and I’m starting to think what’s the point.

Mood been good rather level but I know it’s because I’m not working. Any type of work environment effects my bipolar. I really need to work for myself in the future, I think I have the motivation.

Day 50: 19/2/19

Work seemed to drag, I’m really not enjoying my job at the moment.

Went to the gym , it really helps my mood and the routine is comforting.

Been talking to my fiancé regularly which is helping. Was discussing wedding plans again but I get stressed out because you can’t get prices without asking for a quote. Good news is my mum tracked down a veil so won’t have to pay for that. Also my fiancé said that there a lot of empty houses so when we get married we may be able to move within the month.

Mood been agitated and low with a bit of paranoia. Will keep an eye on it.

Day 49: 18/1/19

Didn’t have the motivation to get up this morning and struggled to do my work. A bit low because my ankle playing up, my shoes have been rubbing the back of my heels and I’ve had an upset stomach from the take away yesterday.

Later I came home and all I wanted to do was sleep , so slept for a couple of hours. Woke up not refreshed but dazed. Been trying to do my uni work for the past hour but finding it difficult to concentrate.

I’m putting off talking to my fiancé because I don’t really want to talk to anyone and just want this day to be over.

Even reading this is depressing, hopefully this is a temporary slump.

Day 48: 17/2/19

Had a relaxing morning watching tv and getting some uni research done . Then I took my dog to the beach and even wrote a poem on the train.

Last time I went to the beach on my own was shortly after the break up. I went 3-4 times a week. I found it calmed me by looking at the sea, helped empty my chaotic mind. So I was remembering this on the train and how I felt so lost without a partner. The times I went to the beach then were self therapy in learning to love myself. I don’t think I could of gone out with my fiancé so soon after my break up if I hadn’t had this time. It would of happen because I liked him but much slower. I hadn’t gone back to the beach before now because then it was a time of reflection and I wanted to concentrate on my current life and my new partner.

Mood been ok, still bit agitated and paranoid, feeling like I want to be invisible but manageable.